Duties

I think I should probably have included this in the title as well. Another heavy D in our lives. And the only one we have a semblance of control on, even if it's an illusion.

Before we begin, there are two things that come to mind, two things I must state.
Well, first, I took a leaf out of a friend's book. This time, and perhaps again someday in the future, I won't edit what I've written, except maybe the typing errors.
Second, every blog post from now on will have a song at the end, one that, in my opinion, goes with what I've written. There is a connection in my head, maybe you'll find it, maybe you'll make one of your own.

So, here I was. It was raining. It had been raining all day long. I hadn't slept the last night. Tired, fatigued. Hurting, thanks to my erratic gym workout schedule and especially due to the terrible mix of a bad cold and an allergy.
The world seems like a dreary place. I watch, looking out from inside a thick haze; a fog that's dulling all my senses. I am uncaring, insensitive. Maybe this is what is called being numb. I am tired, very tired. Weary of what has been happening.
Crashed plans, ditched meet ups, ignored friends, damaged health - I sound like a very dedicated person; dedicated to my own demise.
Maybe it's a backlash, for all that's been going on. Someone who refuses to accept my love, because she is afraid of the past; another who won't even try to understand my condition, and so mercilessly destroys what she desires. Then a child, who I don't have the heart, or the right to push away. Parents, whose predicament I refuse to understand, and who refuse to accept that of mine. A sister, who I have deceived willingly, believing it to be best for her. A friend who doesn't heed my warnings of an impending downfall.
It's not as if it's their fault. I am equally to blame. We all are. Yet, sometimes, you just have to stop trying to avoid the bullet. Sometimes, you just have to bite it.

So, there I was. It was pouring. It hadn't stopped raining, all day. I hadn't slept the last night. Calm, falling. Hurting, thanks to my erratic gym workout schedule and especially due to the terrible mix of a terrible cold and an unrelenting allergy.

I put the key to the ignition, stepped on the gas, and went off. Drove a mile. Turned, parked. And closed my eyes. Shed a tear, somewhere deep in my soul.
Then, my eyes opened. The world came rushing back.
"You can't run away from the world", said someone inside me. "You can try, but you are as you were, and always will be - at the centre of the world."
"There are duties, resposibilites - burdens and comforts you chose to carry, because you wanted to. When it gets tough, where will you run to?"
"It is time to return to who you are, accept who you will be. You can't ditch it and just run away. You chose to be a hero, now you must choose - to pay the price."

And so I got back in. Reversed. Drove back. Parked. Got out, and went back home.

I can choose, to give up. To let go of my doomed love. To cut ties with those who can't empathize. To push my people away. To stand alone. And it's tempting. I hurt, I am weary. I feel like giving up.
But I remember the voice in my head. I remember that when all is lost, hope still stands by you.
And so, I will tread the path I've always tread. Carry these scars just like my others - forgiven, but not forgotten.

We are boats, against the current. And yes, we're pushed back to the past.
Sometimes, you just have to accept it, and yet keep pushing. A paradox.
But then, a paradox ensures another.
The current is gone.
And so the future waits.
Go and love fearlessly.
And begin with yourself.


The song for today?

It's Time. By Imagine Dragons.
The youtube link is right here!