Welcome...to life

I'm sorry folks. I know some people were (and hopefully are) regular here and that I just vanished of the face of the earth for all purposes until today, without any warning or prior information.
So I am sincerely sorry to everyone who expected a new post and found none, who waited for an update and got none.

All that I can say in my defence is that well, when you're eighteen, weird things happen.
Well, you graduate from high school, for starters; all those buddies who seemed so permanent are now but ephemeral existences, most going away, more of a bunch of memoirs of the past than companions in an exciting future. The indomitable school that loomed dark someday, and someday seemed inviting is open to me no more, I can't return. It's forbidden territory now. It is a weird sense of loss, of a lack of belonging. Whoever said it was right, you never realize what you'll miss until it's gone. And now that it's gone into the closet of my past forever, I yearn to once enjoy myself again.

Then comes the fear of going into college. When you dream as big as I do, it's always a knife's edge - a full house gamble. If I win, all is mine; if I lose, all is lost. Dreaming of joining one in the United States, the full enormity of how important money is has hit me hard, left me winded and gasping. As a middle class son, I can never afford education in those far off dreamlands. Yet, I dare to dream, for it is my dream. It's all a quagmire, of deadlines, convoluted applications, huge costs, insecure aid -  a bubble waiting to burst. I wonder if I'll make it, or just crumble to dust.

Then comes the greatest change of them all, the least expected, the most welcomed. The feeling of love, of being loved and of loving someone. Loving so much that it hurts to part, that words are not needed for communication. It's like finding an anchor you never needed, a part of yourself you never knew you'd lost. Yet, the feeling of completion, of utter peace and tranquillity, is one I shall always desire. The knowledge that someone cares, unconditionally and unfalteringly from the deepest confines of their heart is more reassuring than anything I can think off. It is Nirvana itself.

And finally, come the freedoms. The freedom to drive, to vote; and to have accidents. I almost died. As I sit typing this, only the last, the deepest of the wounds is left to heal. The thing about a brush with death is that you don't become paranoid - you understand the value, the transience of life. Of how fragile we are, despite our best attempts to seem invincible. It is a great revelation, that behind the giant, seemingly unbreakable mask sits but a frail human. It is humbling, yet reassuring; for while we may be clay dolls, it tells me that somewhere, at the core, there is still humanity, there is still hope.

The only things that this year has taught me is how unexpected, fascinating, surprising, rewarding and yet punishing life can be. I have realized the futility of trying to be immortal, the value of being human and humane. I have learnt how easily life can be lost; to treasure things I thought permanent, for nothing is. I have learnt to live, now I hope I get to.